Healing HOME

A woman commented recently, “My stepson is a psychopath. It’s hard to be around him.”

Sometimes children act out because they feel unloved, uncared for, like they are invisible or don’t matter. Sometimes a parent’s ego or negative programming makes it difficult to “soften up” when we are accustomed to feeling the same contempt that a parent of ours once displayed toward us.

I immediately wondered what this boy’s bedroom looked like. I have heard cases of dramatic, instantaneous behavioral turnarounds after people make positive changes to their child’s physical environment. It can be as simple as replacing a non-smiling photo with a smiling photo.

I suggested to this woman that she clean her stepson’s bedroom, purchase a few peace lilies to add to his room, along with full-spectrum lighting (“grow lights”) and a vinyl sticker for his mirror (or simply a note) that says “You Matter.” Even if results are only noticeable for a single moment, her stepson would likely remember it for his entire life, and it could impact him quietly but profoundly.

Children’s bedrooms are as important as all other rooms in a home. If their rooms go untreated, it sends a subtle message that the child doesn’t matter as much as everyone else in the house (even future guests, if there is a clean and ready guest room). When I woke up to this truth, I began placing more attention on my own son’s bedroom, loving it into life so it can be a life-affirming space.

My son has no friends his age – in fact, no single teen nor child stops in to visit. But we turn the radio on to create a social environment, and we turn on the party lights. I moved the popcorn popper to his bedroom as a happy element, and I added a peace lily to help with keeping the air clean. We open the curtains each morning, and the windows for a fresh breeze this time of year. We keep it neat and tidy. My son knows that he matters! His space is awesome like he is.

Paint doesn’t cost much yet is immensely transformative, so his walls went from yellow to sky blue. A quality plant (ideally two per room) is under $20, as are full-spectrum lightbulbs. It doesn’t take much to say “You Matter” to a child. To make this transformation with your child’s help incorporates three of five Love Languages:

• Quality Time
• Acts of Service
• Gift Giving

And if you say to your child, “We’re giving your bedroom an upgrade because you are worth it” (Words of Affirmation), and give them a hug (Physical Touch), then you have demonstrated all five of what Dr. Gary Chapman calls Love Languages. In this way, you are loving your child into life.  

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(North Central West Virginia-area residents: contact me if you would like my son and me to go to your home and give you some extra hands and support toward loving your special child into life.)